Lamb Chops & Chainsaws by Glen Johnson

Lamb Chops & Chainsaws by Glen Johnson

I love the way this author writes, so clean and with a dark humour. Well researched information shines through the stories giving them an authenticity. I look forward to looking up his other works. 

Sods Law: This wannabe serial killer   has rearranged his dingy life to become the ultimate nobody; a faceless killer. He has taken time to disguises himself well in preparation for his killing spree that seems to engulf his whole reason for being. He fantasizes about becoming the next Jack the Ripper.

Sadly the State, internet and TV are enabling him to do so.

What a way to open a book. The misery portrayed had a loud ring of truth to it, which made for uncomfy reading.

The finale is hysterical but also rather sad.

 The Last Straw: A 73yr old man gets his last straw broken over a dinner choice, or lack thereof.

Jim & Elizabeth have been married 50 years and today is their anniversary, but for Jim it’s not a happy event, or is it.

Having to live with her nagging for so long something snapped in him.  I had to feel sorry for Jim in part, as he describes the long, lonely, purgatory years he has endured, but then he could have just left… and he never did get to eat his lamb chops.

The warped humour in these stories just leaves you with a smirk and a grimace at the sadness of it all.

The Lord is my Shepherd: Poor Mrs. Hemp, fancy being compared to a cupcake.

Headmaster McKinney wants some sort of answer from her regarding her way ward son, what he gets is not the one he was expecting.

Whilst he eats his coronation chicken and mushroom sandwich, followed by a kitkat (but only two fingers!) she reveals the truth, the repeated days and nights of child torture whilst she and the local Father try to exorcise the demon residing in her son; it makes for excruciating reading.

The ending is twisted, but other than the sandwich which keeps popping up, there is no humour in this story, just pure horror. 

Shattered Childhood: A hit woman is on a mission to complete her quest, the revenge she craves for her families death when she was 9yr old.

She has trained long and hard to become the killer she is today. Each kill marked on a precious photo.

A harrowing story but one that feels good in its karmic values.

No Conscience: Saintpatrick is a contract killer. However this time he may have taken on too much.

The sad and strange story of how he became the best in the business is carefully laid out in flashbacks.

A brief story, but quite hard hitting and not without its own level of brutal horror.

  

Dirty little Animals: It seems that Ms. Heart has lost her marbles.

Her early childhood memories are coming back to haunt and destroy her as she sees evil in all the little children and everything they do, or lie about.

Oddly enough any man that is around her seems to find himself dead in strange accidents.

As she enters her final day with a plan to bring all the pain to an end she unleashes all her anger.

The reasons behind her breakdown made my skin crawl.

The Red Mist-ake: Simon is transforming, he is becoming……

As he begins his spree of murders, the author is clearly enjoying the descriptions, almost reveling in the grossness!

His next chosen victim comes with a bonus addition but not all goes to plan.

Fabulous! Think this is my favourite story.

Like a son: A government trained killer goes on the run when he gets wrongly set up.

Very military in flavour and with a good dollop of survivalist paranoia. Not sure I liked this story; it was intense, sad, without humour or motive.

The A List: A serial killers finale, I loved the circular feel to this story.

The ending was exquisite and would have loved to find out about the other kills and more about this character.

Lamb-Chops & Chainsaws

Dying Days 3 by Armand Rosamilia

(spoiler alerts)

Darlene is back and she is the same hard shelled, soft centered, take no nonsense, body obsessed heroine; I can’t help but love her, even when she is prattling on about her thongs!

The Flagler beach survival group has a new threat looming; who is killing all the zombies and stacking them under the pier?

Will the Lich’s plans come to anything?

AR brings a new element and twist to the series – Frank is a zombie but he has become self aware, and he his not the only one. I can’t think of a worse scenario for all involved, although Frank and the Lich seem to be liking it.

I really enjoy this series of zombie books as there are no big sub plots or lots of different groups to keep track off, its very much here and now, and in your face, usually with a big fat tongue in cheek dose of humour. There are still the intense emotions, some wild sex and gore laden fights but it’s much more a “Bmovie” style novel, and I love that.

However, don’t let that comment fool you into thinking the characters are wooden or 2 dimensional, far from it, Bri’s little lack of prom rant was actually quite upsetting when you think of all that would be lost in an apocalypse and the deaths are heartbreaking as AR keeps you very focused on the survivors.

The zombies are very real, if a little warped. AR seems to take total delight in being as freaky as possible. He also manages to make his little ragtag survivor group very real without any military training and inclusive of young girls and old men, not necessarily who you would pick to aid you in a zombie fight but wow they make a mean drinking and movie watching bunch and shouldn’t survival be worth living, at least a bit of it.

This series is really starting to hot up on the weirdness front and strays far, far, FAR from the purist ideals of zombies – but good! AR is a talented writer (try his other, non zombie novels/novellas/shorts) if these zoms are not to your liking!

Dying Days 3

The Bone Architect by Ian Woodhead

A mask that possesses and entices its victims to kill is an original idea from Mr Woodhead but still has his signature touch of locality, with its harsh environment, and humongous amounts of gore!  

Described as macabre and surreal IW definitely manages to do that, fiction?, I bl**dy hope so!

He throws the reader back in time at the start of the book to an unsolved/uncaught serial killer and his intimate thoughts and feelings whilst in the midst of a brutal kill. During flashbacks IW shows describes his original discovery of the mask and how it changes him, all with that intimate feeling of getting to know the killer and almost have empathy with him, almost.

However, if you don't pay attention at the beginning you will get lost, as the plot is intricate with a very fast pace that switches between characters, times and locations – I found this a bit disorientating several times and needed to back read, so this will either add to your sense of “hall of mirrors horror” or just confuse you!

The rest of the book focuses on a group of friends and how their dares lead them to spend the night in the “haunted serial killer house”.   IW then chucks in a few odd ball characters and they all end up in this nightmare together as the horror begins and things go bump and splat in the night.

This story has an element of thriller about it, not totally pure horror, as there is a good amount of hunting down victims and guessing who the killer is.

However, with so many characters I found it hard to keep them separated at times and as none of them were very likeable I was not very sympathetic towards them!

It was a short book too; maybe three hours in total to read, BUT give yourself those hours as you won’t be able to put it down for the relentless onslaught of this book, there is no real rest point.

Throughout the book I had a weird sense of de ja vu, IW really plays on that carnival “house of mirrors” element which had me feeling squeaky and shaky with disorientation. 

Left on an ambiguous note, sequel Mr Woodhead?? Me thinks your audience demands it.

On a final note, it is mentioned in several reviews that the first copies do contain some errors, however, even with updates there were errors, but this is an editing problem not an author issue.

The Bone Architect

Exsanguinate by Killion Slade

What an opening chapter!!

This novel has a great opening premise three sisters who run a horror based gaming site; Cheyenne is the main narrator however she is scared of all things scary, especially haunted houses! Dakota is her baby sister and basically the wild child. Counter that with Sheridan the older sister, who is the brains of the outfit, stir in lots of love, giggles, a traumatic matriarch death and a kooky father and you have a fabulous set of characters ready to love.

Then the gaming side of things kicks in, but this really gives a good edge to the story chiefly as Cheyenne’s avatar is basically her alter ego who just happens to be in a two year virtual relationship with Roxas, and boy oh boy does he have a whopper of a secret!

I adored the dogs Beano and Stormaggeddon! They do play an integral part in the story in keeping our heroine sane! As for PADME, Cheyenne’s holographic PA system, she is brilliant and I want one, now.

Up until the haunted house chapter it was all quite pleasant and whilst you could feel a gentle build up of potential horror, even if it was just the fancy dress outfits (the ravenous bush had me in stitches) and I was ready and expecting some gore and splatter but then all hell broke loose and I think I fell into a different novel.

The sudden intensity of the writing and sheer horror of what was going on gave me goose bumps but I was now hooked and needed to get through the terror to see if Cheyenne made it out alive.

On a negative note, there was quite a lot of online gaming speak at the beginning and if you are a total non-player like myself, you might get a bit confused; but it soon pans out and you get used the phrases. I totally loved all the little added extras (links to secret pages), almost like secrets, not sure how a print version would cope with that concept but rock on the e-version!

Also, after the haunted house scene there were so many fabulous ideas, new worlds, new characters and such that it was very intense for a little bit in the middle there and could have almost done with some more filler or at least a slower explanation of everything.

However, when Cheyenne finally heals and her new self is revealed from all the scarring and wounds, a whole underworld is opened to her. The real and the virtual world soon integrate to become a novel of hide and go seek with monsters, kidnapped sisters and plots of world domination.

From this point I could not have put the book down had my house been burning down, thankfully it wasn’t, although my hubby had to fend for himself AND feed the cats!

I loved all the snappy telling,  pokes of humour, brilliant supernatural characters and adored the romance element and what women doesn’t want a man to rub her feet!

All the other members of the ExsanguiNation gaming company all come with their own little secrets and make for any interesting lunch and day out at the super spa! (and that’s super as in supernatural! Does your dragon need a manicure??).

Riveted until the final words, which bytheway were cruel in their temptation of the next in this series (and I hope it’s a long one!), I found this to be a whirlwind roller coaster ride of fun, surprise and bottom clenching moments.

I thought the reference list at the end was an amazing way to finish as it really gave a little jolt of reminders of special places in the book.

Kilion Slade is a brand new author and wow what a way to start.

Exsanguinate

Plague Town by Dana Fredsti

Poor Maggie is a normal Mum and housewife who tries to ensure the safety and care of her family, then she must witness their harsh deaths and change into the undead, and so begins the plague.

Dana Fredsti has a real down to earth, tongue in cheek humour in her writing that I couldn’t help giggling at even with the grossest of subjects spewing out at me.

DF is clever in her explanation of why our heroine misses her fatal flu bug jab, and this route of infection is often, but never directly, implicated.

Totally love Ashley; she has depth and a reality charm to her. Finally some needs to piddle during the zompoc!!!

The other characters are plausible if a little cliché but then this is fiction, zombie apocalyptic fiction, and needs its main stay characters! But DF puts her own little feminine swing on them.

Professor Simone Fraser, the kick ass matriarch with a secret past that knows all about pandemics.  Gabriel the totally gorgeous military dude with another secret! Nathan the secret loner/ex-military/extreme survivor was, for me, fantastic. His way of living is how I spend my day dreams planning.  All I will say about general Heald is what an asshat! You have to have a character you love to hate.

 I enjoyed the little interspersed zombie PoVs it really added a different dimension, and brought a quality to it which I thought made the zompoc “human” and not just some throwaway function for gore, splatter and horror. DF made her victims real.

The little geek killing squad are some eclectic characters and I really started to bond with them, so I hope that the next book gives a bit more history on them or at the very least expands their relationships with each other more.

The secret society element and historical explanations were unique (to me) and I thought a really good edge and underpinning storyline, so I hope this continues to further books in the series.

Finally a zombie writer that likes, no LOVES cats!! Go to the top of fav’ author list! Yes I’m fickle.

The movie references were far from out of date, soon to be forgotten pop culture references as suggested by other reviews. I found that the movies quoted fit with the story line, gave a good grin and are actually now classic movies, not mere whims of the author and flashes of her (factual) past.

Focusing on a small town gave it an intimate feel which changed dramatically with the ending and gave a brilliant cliff hanger and total jaw dropper moment – glad there is the next book (Plague Nation) to jump straight into (although compared to other indie authors I do find the price a little high, but possibly worth it).

I should probably not comment about the female author and her excellent weaponry knowledge and fight sequences but I will. She does not over egg but allows for enough information to be interesting without boring me to death with ammo knowledge. Her real life is an amazing adventure according to her bio’ and this shines through with her brilliant descriptions of sword play and choice of weapons.

Over all I really enjoyed the protagonist being a feisty woman, not many authors go that way but personally I think woman are better equipped at surviving mentally and physically, if only our need for cuddles and sex didn’t get in the way! But this is fiction and supposed to be fun and escapism.

DF certainly ensures you get your giggles with your gore in this novel. Make sure you check out her novella “Mans Gotta Eat”, which introduced me to this talented author.

Plague Town

Zippered Flesh: Tales of Body Enhancements Gone Bad! - anthology

Bootstrap by Michael Baily: great concept regarding cloning, just a bit too detailed in the IT stuff at the beginning lost me a bit until it stretched out the information overload and turned into really great story telling, then it wanders off into the technobabble again. The actual horror is hard to pin point; the imagination does go into overdrive a bit at the missing byte! Less technobabble would have made this story a 5*

Idol by Michael Laimo: when does imitation become more than flattery? When you need a replacement?! Great details submerge you into the weirdness, but it only more weird, gross and weird!

Unplugged by Adrienne Jones: OMG I love this story, I was disappointed when it ended! Alien transformations, brilliant brilliant!

Comfort by Charles Colyott: this reads like a sad story of a man who loves his mother to the deference of his job, marriage, friends.... Only in the last paragraph do you reach the horror of a mother's comfort, truly gross, but a great story.

You With Me by Christophe Nadeau: you can feel the horror coming on this one, like little flickers of light at the corners of your vision.... You don't quite want to look the whole way! Nothing prepares you for the ending, but it is a good one! Nothing says I love you quite like this!

The Shaping by Scott Nicholson: in a strange world of Critiques, Editiors & Artists the sorrowful artist gives blood, sweat and tears to his final masterpiece, but is it enough to gain him the thumbs up though? A very weird concept with lots of strange word play - a masterpiece in its own story telling, what a talent Scott is....

Something Borrowed by J. Gregory Smith: really enjoyed how this bubbled away, giving you flashes of what horror is on its way! I was so not prepared when this went full 3HD on me! A story of a nip and tuck too far?


Equilibrium by John Shirley: loved the idea of body form cars! But that was all I really liked about this! This author was all over the place for me, even now Im not sure what it was supposed to be about.

Sawbones by L.L.Soares: WOW - a body modified hit man gets visited by a "ghost". This was an excitingly played out story, definitely one of my top 3.

Whirling Machine Man by Aaron J.French: great story telling of an intriguing idea; torture, amputation, spirits etc shame it never went anywhere.

Sex Object by Graham Masterton: This must rate as the most disgusting story of the book. How far does a woman go to change herself to please a husband! Riveting but revolting!

The Sad, Not so Sad, Ballard of Goat-head Jean Ambivalent Devil Queen: wow really felt like I had been on a mushroom trip with this tale of murderous boyfriends, satanic rocks and the desire for perfect breasts! Can't really tell you what the story was trying to say but I did feel bedazzled, dizzy and WTF happened at the end, but in a good way!

Locks of Loathe by Jezzy Wolfe: it was the hair what done it!! A murderous tale of revenge via hair! Well written with an exciting ending!

By Hook by Elliott Capon: a sailors tale with a curse to boot.   Nothing special in this story for me, a tenuous link to the pirates hook.

Creeping Death by Armand Rosamilla: stranger than most! A girl obsessed with tattoos becomes protected from Death! Written so you get a shudder at the end.

Paraphilia by Lisa Mannetti: short and viscious, you get lulled into this sad girls story only to get slapped as the ending hits you. Very clever writing!

Independence Day by P.L. Barrington: hard to describe really - crippled man uses a shamen Dr to fix his body which then turns on him. Just never really explained why....

Marvins Angry Angel by Jonathon Templar: how funny that a new trend would be to get an Angel attached to your shoulder, literally! What happens when that Angel gets pissed off though; funny, short and not so angelic!

Change of Heart by Rob M. Miller: Ewwww Ewww double ewww! A witch of a mother in law comes to dinner. The final paragraph is the killer - yucky ducky... brilliant!

Hearing Mildred by Wheldon Burge: ah the wicked evils of TV and not reading enough! A cute little tale that made me smile.

You really get your money’s worth in this brilliant anthology!

Zippered Flesh

Discordia Ascendant: An Illustrated Demon Squad Story by Tim Marquitz

This short story focuses on Rahim, the Wizard werewolf, from the Demon Squad series.

In this snapshot of his life we see him facing down a mortal enemy in a darkened alleyway, the strange woman with no eyes; Anai.

Her aim is to bring back her Mother, Discordia, to bring havoc to the planet as God is currently on hiatus and not really keeping an eye on things.

This short snippet hints at a much bigger plot in Rahim’s history and gives a promise of more to come.

Beautiful in its prowse, this story is only enhanced by the wonderful art work of Robert Elrod; I sort of imagined Rahim to be more handsome but think this visual interpretation gives him a little edge.

 I would love to see a much longer, more graphic novel style, from them both.

Discordia Ascendant