Lobsters and Landmines by Glen Johnson

Lobster Theodore:

Jim, his girlfriend the chain smoking Tracy and her fat son Theodore; a tantrum prone child.

Jim disagrees with the ADHD diagnosis recently bestowed upon Theodore, he prefers to think of him as just an obnoxious child, but then Jim has very set feelings about child rearing!

His day job is as a lobster boat man and he is struggling with his “familys” wants and his lack of buyers, thankfully he has Tracy’s benefit money to keep the business afloat.

Even the rest of his street are demanding of him, poor Jim, but then he does something that makes the lobsters happy!

GJ is a master at making characters appear real and with huge histories within moments of you reading about them, love or hate them you are involved in their lives.

Little Prick:

Jasmine is wasting away and watching her mother care for her 24/7 also waste away. She has all manner of skin and internal ailments all brought on by one deadly disease, HIV, but she has a plan.

Her story is heart-breaking but the plan she and her doting mother have hatched to end all their suffering is a poetic one.

I really enjoyed the ending, but it had so much sadness in this story I had to “walk” away from the book for a few weeks.

Man’s Best Friend:

Lennie is revolting individual that left the Army less of a human, if that’s possible, than when he went in thanks to an IED.

Now living in Thailand he is able to keep slave women, pigs and dogs with a side-line of child kidnapping into the bargain. The pigs and dogs are sold for meat the women fair much worse.

Whilst Lennie is living the life those around him are not, but Karma is a Bitch, literally as it turns out for Lennie.

I was sad to learn of the landmines that still pepper this beautiful country still causing death and destruction so long after the war.

GJ does such a wonderful job of describing the land and areas of beauty.

Towers of Fear:

Kerrie has lost her best friend and possibly her reason to live. 

She continues to relive the day that planes crashed into the Twin Towers destroying so many lives and changing the way we all now live our lives.

Whilst most of us will remember what we were doing, where we were, who we were with and some, many, more who we lost, seeing this close up personal view was very harrowing. Not all horror is gore, some if just pure fear.

Best for the Job:

Jenny is an air hostess with the mostess! Tall, beautiful and blonde she has fallen in love with Luciano and followed him to his native Brazil, again such beautiful descriptions of country and people by GJ.

But being a kept woman is not her idea of fun and there are only so many museums you can visit. So she sets off to find another job and lands a perfect role in a small new company doing charter flights.

She is aware of the bad safety record of flights in and around Brazil and takes care to ensure all her passengers are aware of the onboard safety instructions, not that it really matters in what is about to happen to them all.   Eeeeeewwww!

The Last Cake:

Grace is off to her final days work as a midwife and tomorrow she plans to bake her final award winning cake, she just needs to gather a few final secret ingredients.

Just revolting, but also very funny.

Lockdown:

Don is a doomsday prepper and not just any old scenario he is prepared for everything! From economic collapse to volcanic eruptions he has it all planned for, or does he?

He has a daily routine of wandering his complex with its multidue of hidey holes, animals, windmills and plant growing sets ups. In his bunker at night he inventories his food and ammo leaving nothing to chance.

When the earth starts to shake he knows something has happened and goes into lockdown mode. His lack of compassion for animals and even his 14 year old companion dog made what occurs next make me smile. That lovely Karma again, plus can you really plan for everything?

I did a little giggle/snort when we find out what the rumbles and earth shakes were.

Nosey Parker:

Tim has survived his two days training at the new computer care job despite his over fussy mum and very cold ex-army father.

His new company uses a super computer that analyses chemicals to such a degree that no animal testing is required – perfect.

Perfect is also what Tim’s job is; go to work, pursue your hobbies, surf online, read books, eat free food, sleep or whatever you want – just don’t ask questions and get paid lots of money.

But Tim is a Nosey Parker and soon discovers first-hand what the company are actually upto.

Personally I loved the whole set and am filling in an application form!

Regrets:

Nicholas hates flying, he is also missing his sons football games, hugging his daughter and after a nasty fight with his much loved wife he is feeling guilty too.

A distraction at the cockpit soon distracts him. Such a sad ending, another 9/11 little glimpse.

I found the whole book more sad than horror, and overall,  whilst there were some humorous moments they were overshadowed by the sad bits, plus the odd missing letter/or misspelling and this is not GJ best work - a relook would do it some favours BUT he is still an amazing author with some serious skills!

Lobsters & Landmines

Condoms & Cabbages by Glen Johnson

Wayne Ward does not sound like an attractive chappie, inside or out, although who doesn’t fantasise about wanting to beat their noisy neighbour to a bloody pulp at 3am!

Wayne has given up his hard life of dodging work and living off UK benefits and managed to move to Thailand via a few dodgy deals and other nasty moments.

He constantly finds fault in everyone around him, mostly cultural, and he is not shy in voicing his opinions; loved the irony that he is more revolting than those (habits) that surround him.

Whilst on the hunt for his next victim he meets Precious and decides that now is the time to act on one of his fantasies of beating, raping and robbing an ethnic woman.

He bargains a hard price and off they set for the afternoon of pleasure but Wayne gets way more than he agreed too. The ending was exquisite and gave me great satisfaction.

The flip flop comment actually made me gag; be on the lookout for that one!

I adore the way GJ always points out at the start of his books that he is British and that all his words are correctly spelt!

Condoms & Cabbages

French Fries and Flame throwers by Glen Johnson

Totally love the fact that GJ does NOT apologise for being an English author and uses all the correct spellings!

He is the master of short, sharp stories and excels at it in this set. Each of the stories are based around residents in a block of flats, GJ cleverly links them all but you can read each one individually, but I challenge you just to read one and not be drawn into finishing the entire set.

GJ has pulled a master stroke in managing to link every single story to each other, places, times, people, relevant news items.

Really enjoyed all the prologue “chats”

The Insomniac:

Oh dear, poor obese Trevor is so tired keeping up with demand in his chip shop that he makes a fatal error, and then his efforts to make good don’t go as planned.

GJ manages to do the inner dialogue perfectly giving a great “view” of the British chippy on a Friday night with all its bawdy customers and informs us of how Trevor feels about life, family, love and everything really!

Then his desire for late night french fries (chips) occurs, add in a little slip and an incident involving some cling film, mix in some mud and finally a twig!

I did not know whether to laugh or cry at the ending, it was so beautifully thought out and executed, this author just blows me away.

The Taxidermist:

Fred has a disturbingly disgusting desire to start practising on his neighbours cats. Thankfully they decide to not be cooperative.

I despise all animal cruelty, even in fictional stories, it was fairly obvious where this story was going but as I follow this author on FB I note that he too is an animal lover and trusted him with my emotions. I was not disappointed, although the story made me feel glad in one way it still irked my heart.

The horror is slow and painful to endure and made me squirm but ultimately it was the gore that made me cheer.

The Butcher:

GJ does cliché and stereo type so well its wonderfully kitsch!

Anton the Russian has been up to naughty things and tension is high in the preparation room but when Anton is given a promotion he refuses all bloody hell reigns down, how do you say no to a drug baron?

GJ does well to make you like what should be an unlikable man, then feel his pain at his demise, in a rather unique fashion.

The Florist:

Elena is just trying to make her orchids grow,  when it all goes a bit wrong.

GJ pays such attention to detail I could not help but be drawn into the story. The way he interconnects the characters is charmed, having learnt about Jimmy in The Insomniac and the “sister” we now meet her in all her weird glory.  

Elena and her son Jimmy have been busy installing a watering system but she has added a special fertilising ingredient she found in the Sky High shop.

As she gets a good dousing of the newly enhanced misting spray strangeness ensures – riveting reading all the way to the crescendo.

The Lovers:

Nalin and Isaac seem to have a perfect life until something random happens to change things for them.

Having already met the characters I felt like I slipped into their lives unwatched and with the brilliantly researched and factual back history of Nalin’s life I was engrossed, and sad at the world’s history.

During some amazingly erotic love making something awful (and funny) happens and I was left heartbroken at the ending.

The Animal Lover:

Gertrude can’t fit out her apartment door but her animals keep her company.

Whilst I love animals the description of the smell in her flat and what the various animals did was enough to make me gag! Over all her cruelty was far worse than Fred the Taxidermists. The ever so accurate portrayal of obesity was both sickening and fascinating.

As Gertrude teeters on the edge of a heart attack on her trek around her flat to find her inhaler I found myself breath holding and waiting for the inevitable.  Her final demise was very slap stick in what appears to be GJ signature way of killing people off, most amusing.

The Agoraphobic:

Gordon is the building manager with a nice money making side-line involving hidden cameras, so all the goings on are being watched, recorded and broadcast.

It is in fact his best night ever with all his regularly voyeurs logging on to watch the mayhem going on in the building, and the revolting Gordon is just watching it all with £ signs dancing in his eyes.

It was a brilliant way to catch up on what was happening in each flat from another perspective, the time line alone was magnificent in its perfection. In a few sentences GJ summed up the night of horror.

When he gets a knock on the door the person on the other side is not who he expected.

The Foreigner:

GJ launches from one dead body to another, and does it with superb style.

Samira is a covert spy and assassin, but she also has a complex and sad past, however now is the time she must make a quick escape as Gordon’s little internet business has alerted authorities to her.

GJ could easily write thrillers as he clearly has all the knowledge and skill to lead readers down a dark path of intrigue then set them on fire with the truth.

Another amazing little snippet of the bigger story, another sad ending but with that little hint of a giggle.

The Geek:

Poor schoolboy Benedict is often bullied and left alone by his hard working (and playing) mother, but he has been working hard on his school project and he has a dream.

I loved the way GJ interjects all these little comments that just speed you make to other scenes, this would make a brilliant Tarantino style film.

In the epilogue GJ really rounded up the horror and giggles, tying up every loose end and giving an incredible to ride to his readers. 

French Fries & Flamethrowers

Lamb Chops & Chainsaws by Glen Johnson

Lamb Chops & Chainsaws by Glen Johnson

I love the way this author writes, so clean and with a dark humour. Well researched information shines through the stories giving them an authenticity. I look forward to looking up his other works. 

Sods Law: This wannabe serial killer   has rearranged his dingy life to become the ultimate nobody; a faceless killer. He has taken time to disguises himself well in preparation for his killing spree that seems to engulf his whole reason for being. He fantasizes about becoming the next Jack the Ripper.

Sadly the State, internet and TV are enabling him to do so.

What a way to open a book. The misery portrayed had a loud ring of truth to it, which made for uncomfy reading.

The finale is hysterical but also rather sad.

 The Last Straw: A 73yr old man gets his last straw broken over a dinner choice, or lack thereof.

Jim & Elizabeth have been married 50 years and today is their anniversary, but for Jim it’s not a happy event, or is it.

Having to live with her nagging for so long something snapped in him.  I had to feel sorry for Jim in part, as he describes the long, lonely, purgatory years he has endured, but then he could have just left… and he never did get to eat his lamb chops.

The warped humour in these stories just leaves you with a smirk and a grimace at the sadness of it all.

The Lord is my Shepherd: Poor Mrs. Hemp, fancy being compared to a cupcake.

Headmaster McKinney wants some sort of answer from her regarding her way ward son, what he gets is not the one he was expecting.

Whilst he eats his coronation chicken and mushroom sandwich, followed by a kitkat (but only two fingers!) she reveals the truth, the repeated days and nights of child torture whilst she and the local Father try to exorcise the demon residing in her son; it makes for excruciating reading.

The ending is twisted, but other than the sandwich which keeps popping up, there is no humour in this story, just pure horror. 

Shattered Childhood: A hit woman is on a mission to complete her quest, the revenge she craves for her families death when she was 9yr old.

She has trained long and hard to become the killer she is today. Each kill marked on a precious photo.

A harrowing story but one that feels good in its karmic values.

No Conscience: Saintpatrick is a contract killer. However this time he may have taken on too much.

The sad and strange story of how he became the best in the business is carefully laid out in flashbacks.

A brief story, but quite hard hitting and not without its own level of brutal horror.

  

Dirty little Animals: It seems that Ms. Heart has lost her marbles.

Her early childhood memories are coming back to haunt and destroy her as she sees evil in all the little children and everything they do, or lie about.

Oddly enough any man that is around her seems to find himself dead in strange accidents.

As she enters her final day with a plan to bring all the pain to an end she unleashes all her anger.

The reasons behind her breakdown made my skin crawl.

The Red Mist-ake: Simon is transforming, he is becoming……

As he begins his spree of murders, the author is clearly enjoying the descriptions, almost reveling in the grossness!

His next chosen victim comes with a bonus addition but not all goes to plan.

Fabulous! Think this is my favourite story.

Like a son: A government trained killer goes on the run when he gets wrongly set up.

Very military in flavour and with a good dollop of survivalist paranoia. Not sure I liked this story; it was intense, sad, without humour or motive.

The A List: A serial killers finale, I loved the circular feel to this story.

The ending was exquisite and would have loved to find out about the other kills and more about this character.

Lamb-Chops & Chainsaws